Shiki Novel Translations 2.10.6

[sinnesspiel]

6

 

While fighting with a strange sense of intimidation, Natsuno quietly filled his notebook. He'd long since given up studying vocab or tangling with math drills. With that something outside the window putting a strange pressure of sorts on him, he couldn't focus on his work. Like this with his attention focused outside the window, he had just been absently transcribing the names of historical words and names. 

It his hand were able to remember what it was writing that'd be fine. He thought that while moving his hand, suddenly noticing that in the sidelines of his notebook the words "Tohru" and "Shimizu" appeared. He erased them each time but the name that appeared more frequently was overwhelmingly "Shimizu." And as time stretched on, the difference grew more pronounced.

He remembered feeling like this---like he currently did, like he was under a bizarre surveillance.  He also thought he knew the source of it. But, Megumi should have been dead. That she was sealed away in a coffin wasn't something Natsuno confirmed with his own eyes but she should have been made up like Tohru and buried in the ground. 

But, someone was outside the window. From the darkness they were looking at the window---at Natsuno. Through the curtain, at Natsuno's shadow, fixedly staring at that. 

After erasing "Shimizu" who knew how many times, he gave up on that and took out the post card from his holder case. Natsuno had an emotion he couldn't understand. The letters and the picture, all of it looked like it was trying not to be self-serving while contrastingly overflowing with self-appeal. It looked to maintain an appropriately formal distance but it was blatantly getting closer. There was nothing written aside from words about the lingering summer heat. Nonetheless, there was an all too clear intent of the sender there even if unwrit, so clear that it betrayed her true feelings. ---That defined Megumi, he realized.

It was the same now. Obvious surveillance. But the observer hid themselves, it was clear they were trying to hide themselves. That much was just too obvious, so instead it only made him more certain he was being watched.

(......Shimizu.)

But, there was no way.

Natsuno stood up. He opened the curtain and the window. The light from within the room flowed outside but the darkness between the tree trunks and thickets only grew darker. And an obvious gaze. Someone was in that darkness---and he was confident he was being watched from somewhere not far off.

Natsuno surveyed the darkness. He couldn't see anyone. It's not that no one was there but just that he couldn't see them. The other could see Natsuno. Without a doubt they were watching. 

He didn't turn towards the darkness and demand who they were, nor did he have a mind to. Staying silent, Natsuno held out the post card in one hand. To be sure it was visible in the light, he slowly turned it over with his fingertips several times. He had the feeling he could hear someone nearby gasping for breath. And, the faint sound of someone moving about. 

The gaze was strong. He had such a feeling. Thinking such he moved the post card from the right hand holding it to the left. Slowly, doing it so that his observer could see, he tore at the corner of it. Again, a faint noise.

With both hands he tore the postcard a second time and a third. Once it was in tiny scraps, he threw them outside of the window. The white scraps of paper danced, literal confetti, raining down in the darkness. 

Surveying the darkness--their hiding place, Natsuno closed the window. Closing the curtain he returned to his desk and listened intently. There was a faint noise. This time it was too obvious. The sound of underbrush swaying, someone's footsteps. They were coming directly closer to the window.

---Here.

Someone was there outside the window, and that somebody let out a soft voice. The voice that didn't convey any meaning sounded both like a very faint wail, and like a muffled outburst of a sob.

The soft sounds continued. Almost like a small animal was scurrying about on the earth. Right now if he stood up, if he opened the curtain, he had the feeling he would see them. They wouldn't be able to hide themselves fast enough, he felt. Natsuno bore out the temptation to do it. He didn't know why. He had a feeling he must not see it. He must not peek outside.

That may have been because he thought there was something forbidden that existed outside of that window, or possibliy that he was just plain afraid of what he would see. He had the feeling if he saw it he couldn't go back, and at the same time if he saw it he would be disappointed. And in his depths, what Natsuno truly feared was that he wouldn't see anything at all.

And if he were to throw open the curtain so quickly they would have no chance to hide? He didn't think that it would have any immediate impact. What was scary was being suspended between recognizing that there was something there he couldn't see and the recognizing it as something merely hiding.

He listened closely and bore it. The presence outside of the window crept about in the area and at last passed. Natsuno returned to the tasks in his notebook but as expected his hand kept bringing about the word "Shimizu" when he wasn't attentive.



The next morning, not having gotten much sleep, Natsuno went out into the back yard. In the faint blue light, the earth with sparse weeds was black. There there were two or three white droppings. When he picked them up, they were pieces of the psotcard.

He could only find three fragments. Any fragments beyond that were nowhere to be seen.

Comments

Re: 8D

[(Anonymous)]

8D -- I’ve been wanting to mix being an architect and gardener. I don’t think Seishin’s totally aimless style of writing would work for me, and I don’t know about G. R. R. Martin himself. I want to at least set the aims of my writing to provide a direction, will perhaps also set some major events up from the beginning too... but for the smaller things, that’s where I’ll go full-gardener at. Considering how easily bored I am, I think writing short stories will better work for me too.

Ah, please don’t worry. =w= Speaking about to-do lists though, I really need to work on being faithful to them. I think I’m better at adapting to things as they come rather than planning out things ahead in long term. The latter tends to make me more anxious of the future, which I don’t like. I prefer a stable state of mind, even if I think my mind can be somewhat detached from outside matters this way? I always need something to busy me from the inside though, usually by thinking or meta-ing about a manga/anime, or working on original works. (Not a day passes without me thinking about Shiki as well). Admittedly I hate being overly desperate about something, even if this kind of mindset does make my life flat. Though a portion of desperation is always, always needed. I guess we just have different life philosophy... I’m not the ambitious kind but I desire stability mentally and physically. Having ‘audiences’ also helps keeping me on my track, knowing that others set their eyes out to assess you, but the downside is this makes me too submissive at times. Self-doubt is a nag. On one side I’m independent, but on the other side I’m depending on others a bit too much.

Then it’s good for you, go for it! Unfortunately, it isn’t exactly like that for me. It’s not that I dislike med school, as I happen to like it too. I guess my heart just isn’t fully in it yet. It also has to do with self-doubt about whether I could be a good doctor or not, but I mostly keep myself from getting too wired up thinking about it. There had been lots of inner battles about whether I wanted to enroll in med school or not too. I came from a medical family, so there’s some sort of expectation and hope... not that my parents are very hellbent on me about it like Toshio’s parents, but you could say that I’m a child living in my parents’ shadow. I’m too anxious to get outside of their influence.

I think if not an internist like my Dad, it would be a cardiologist. And you can totally do that – I know you can! You also have to be a better med student than me. ;D


Of course Toshio would kick butts – he’s the deuteragonist of the story. (Typically it should be the protagonist, but alas it’s just not the right time for Seishin to shine yet. He’s admittedly kind of a dim protagonist lol) It’s really interesting seeing him move about too. Toshio’s admittedly quite reckless, tending to jump into whatever it is immediately without caring about who he fights and execute things without long term, proper and detailed plans. I wonder if he’d blame himself somewhat for this post-Shiki. Granted he’s already so regretful at the Setsuko incident...

I initially dislike sad endings, but I also approve of good writing leading to satisfactory, even if sad, end. With Shiki, it’s easier for me to accept sad ends knowing that Shiki is, well, just not a happy story. But it does take me time to accept the idea of Seishin and Toshio dying. Now I can accept it more, but perhaps not fully yet. Just like how it took me time with Natsuno. I love serious, deep and dark works, but when it includes my favorite characters dying I’ll dislike it immediately. It’s like I’ll accept anything done to them except them dying. I also love exploring characters’ personality traits – particularly their negative ones. What I mostly do is exploring Seishin’s negative traits too. I love seeing and learning about these imperfect people. I think that’s why I tend to sympathize more with the antagonists the protagonists, except if the protagonists also happen to have demons inside them. Well, all of this is once I can get past my initial judging of them.

Ah, I also really like Seishin and Takae’s interactions. They are so apathetic about one another it’s amusing. Takae still whines though, so perhaps inside she’s still reeling. Seishin is the one with pure apathy. I think people would be shocked by Seishin’s hidden capability of not-caring. I can see her ‘picking fights’ with Toshio about Seishin’s suicide. I’m still wondering about Toshio’s feelings about this matter. I’d imagine a lot of shock and bewilderment. Wondering if there’s also anger and sadness somewhere (logically it is). Since I think Seishin’s attempt could be seen as somewhat a traitorous act towards Sotoba, I’m wondering if somehow, Toshio would also see it like that since he represents a system that’s Sotoba. I’m wondering if it could also be seen as an attempt to wrench himself away from their bond. It’s like an act of gaining independence and being his genuine self, and he cannot do it while he’s still trapped in their bond – trapped in Sotoba. I also like the idea that while he didn’t mean to die, eventually the attempt killed some parts in him, and gave birth to other new parts like a new him. That all of the Shiki ordeal began with his attempt years ago. It’s all so symbolic.

Toshio mentioning Seishin’s scar will make him revert back to his shell though, so Toshio has to be real careful. I somehow imagine Seishin being irritated, which would perhaps escalate into a fight... By the way, I also agree with your ‘good friends’ part. Toshio and Seishin’s friendship is a constant thing to both parties, a picture of stability and familiarity. Talking about a kind of bomb like Seishin’s suicide will perhaps taint this sort of bond, since it forces them to think and consider things outside the realm of familiarity of said bond. Toshio also said about how it’s as if he didn’t recognize Seishin who tried to attempt suicide – perhaps that’s why he shies himself away from the matter, knowingly or not (rightly or not). He prefers the familiar and perhaps he isn’t ready for a ‘different’ Seishin. The suicide matter is something that pretty much exists only in the background, even if sometimes Toshio indeed takes time to think about it. Fortunately for Seishin, this kind of attitude is in his favor. Perhaps Seishin also feels this way, which is why he also refrains from talking about it with Toshio on top of his not understanding it. Could be because he isn’t ready to face the truth yet too. (speaking about this part, I didn’t think of it before.) Sunako is the one ‘lucky’ enough to see a real glimpse of Seishin, but too bad she doesn’t appreciate it as it is. When she sees Seishin, she pretty much only sees herself.

I have a feeling that Ono-sensei keep them alive just to make them suffer more. (I still love you and respect you very much though, Ono-sensei <3) By the way, I just had my exam about pulmonology... and I once more thought about Toshio as I studied. (Cancer isn’t the only threat, COPD too. Not to mention cardiovascular disease) I’m perhaps even more afraid for him post-Shiki than Seishin. I’m afraid he’ll be even more into smoking and drinking in this period, on top of mental wounds and scars. Because like you said, he has deeper ties with the village and his profession unlike Seishin, which would leave him even more scarred. Granted, reading Seishin’s works will likely make him regret things more, and then continue to beat himself over stuffs.

I think for me it’s easier to write Seishin. I feel more confident writing him because I relate to him quite a lot, but even his post-Shiki self is still lost to me. Perhaps I’ll be able to slowly work through things as new chapters come, but I also feel inadequate with the thought of writing about adult life and all that jazz... instead I want to write about what I’ve been curious about them, which is their childhood and adolescence. I don’t know yet about adult life (with jobs and all that), but I know about being a kid and teenager. But I like your idea too, though it’ll need more researching. 8D

All the best of luck in school! 8D