Sinnesspiel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sinnesspiel) wrote2014-01-04 06:43 pm
sinnesspiel) wrote2014-01-04 06:43 pm
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Shiki Novel Translations 2.3.5
5
Seishin lit the fire in the lamp. The dark light shone over the inside of the abandoned church building.
The old style oil lamp was something that had been left behind here. Not just the lamp, the personal items belonging to the recluse who had formerly lived inside the church were all left behind. Clothing smeared in dust and mouse droppings, books rotting with mold, everything that had come to comfort him for use in his daily life.
The reason Seishin had originally started coming here was because of these things, because Seishin enjoyed reading over the things offered up by the person who dedicated himself here to living out his own individualistic faith in this sanctuary. He would chip at them uniformly, though he couldn't follow any chain of reasoning that would really give a gap into a single certain personality, but he sought out the meaning behind each and every article, taking great interest in the task of seeking out whether one item would reveal the meaning to another and tie something together.
Books on black magic and curses, another was a book on history, a dubious religious pamphlet. Mixed in with those were physics and biology books, and mixed in with those were guileless moral stories aimed and children.
He didn't know what he was thinking amassing this collection of books. Just---thought Seishin. There was no doubt that he admired martyrs. He wanted to be a martyr to something and yet what to actually become a martyr for, he himself may not have even known. He had been here always, searching for a divinity to which to devote himself. If that wasn't the case, then he may have been seeking the words to express the personal god he had found through his own intuition.
He was drug out of here and brought back, and, he thought, he probably couldn't find what he was looking for there. When he had first discovered this place, he had sought out information on the person who had lived in Kanemasa but in the chaos after the war he had gone missing and today still what had become of him after that remained unknown. If he had found the divinity which he was meant to serve, he wanted to know about it, he thought.
While thinking on that, he opened a spotted book, when he'd heard a soft clattering sound. In the light of the lamp, he turned his gaze towards the entrance where the sound had been made, seeing Sunako's face peeking in.
"---Muroi-san?"
Seishin closed the book, surprised. Sunako came towards the bench with a light stepped gait.
"I had seen the light and thought that it might have been you. I could see from the window of my house."
"Ah, .... I see."
"Do you remember your promise? I have brought the book. I wonder if I could have you sign it for me?"
Seishin nodded and took in hand the book Sunako had brought out. It was the second book Seishin had published. It was still a well bound book, but this book shouldn't have been in circulation any longer. Had it been treated with so much care? Opening the book, he signed the flyleaf page. It was something of a rarity but the people of the parish had often asked for his signature, though lately they did not. He found himself a little self-conscious.
"Thank you. I'll treasure it."
The lamp light shone over the happily smiling little girl's face.
After meeting last time, he'd tried researching about SLE. Systemic lupus erythematosus. In Japan it was classified as a collagen disease but more precisely it was a type of connective tissue disease. That said, Seishin couldn't imagine very concretely what kind of connective tissue it was. There were many young women with it, as most of the patients inflicted were female. It seemed it was something that could be passed down through the family but it seemed it wasn't clear if it was genetic or not. The primary symptoms were characteristic red spots on the skin and joint pain for this illness but it afflicted the entire body. A particular problem was decreased kidney function and decreased cardio-pulmionary function. There was full body weakness and a tendency towards infection, and lesions in the brain and nervous system could also happen. They were sensitive to ultraviolet rays, which could lead to an outbreak, which could lead to serious illness, kidney decline and cardio-pulmionary decline leading to uremia, valvular diseases, and inflammation of the pericardium, which could become life threatening. Abnormalities in the immunte system was the designated cause but what caused the outbreaks was unclear, and there was no set medical treatment. Forced to battle the illness all throughout one's life, because returning to society or work was difficult, it was designated as an incurable disease.
Maybe it was because he knew that, maybe it was because of the unsteady light of the lamp, a melancholy shadow seemed to settle over the little girl's face.
"Your complexion looks poor."
"Does it? ---I suppose it may. For a while I was bedridden."
"Are you all right?"
"I'm already quite used to it."
The little girl faintly shrugged her shoulders. Her pale white skin looked sickly but there were no signs of the characteristic red spots. It seemed the primary medical treatment for SLE was steroids, and taking doses of it for a long time could have severe side effects but for the time being Sunako didn't have the well known side effect characteristics of a full moon face or a the outward appearance of a buffalo. Aside from a poor complexion, she looked quite healthy. He wrote that off as being how it looked to a layman's eyes.
But, Seishin thought. Sunako's life was hanging upon a delicate balance. Yes, life was fragile, more so than people believed. Yasumori Susumu had died. It was possible that Mikiyasu, too, would not come back alive.
(Mikiyasu... ...)
Four years younger, he lived nearby. The temple and the Yasumoris had a deep connection. When they were smaller, they often played together. You could even call him a childhood friend.
That summer, many villagers died. There were those he knew and those he did not. But as for somebody like Mikiyasu, it was the first time someone he felt a co-ownership with had fallen. If it was that, then Mikiyasu wouldn't be saved. The last time they met would be at Nao's funeral, then? It was possible that he would never see Mikiyasu alive again. The next time they met, Mikiyasu would be an empty shell, and he would be the ones performing the last rites over that Mikiyasu's empty shell.
"Did somebody die again?"
Asked by Sunako, Seishin returned to his senses.
"... ... Why?"
"Because you were like this before, too. You said that some young girl had died. Muroi-san looks to be depressed the same as he had been at that time."
I see, Seishin forced a smile.
"A person of the parish?"
"Yes," Seishin nodded. "He hasn't died yet. But... ...he's on the verge of death."
Was it all right to say that? But, there was no hope at all of him recovering.
"He is a member of the parish but, if I had to label him, I should probably go with childhood friend."
"Heeh?"
Seishin took a small, short breath.
"When we were small we played together often. Or rather, he came over asking to play often, might be more precise. He is four years younger."
"He was like your child." Sunako wore a moderate smile.
"That might have been how it was. I was more of a reserved child, afflicted with a terrible shyness, and there weren't any children besides Toshio that I was very close with."
"Toshio-san?"
"The director of the Ozaki Hospital. I got along well with Toshio myself but Toshio was very competitive. He wasn't the type to know his place with the older children, he was vigorous, so Toshio and I ended up stuck playing alone together. Toshio didn't get along well with the older kids but he got along well with younger ones. He could say some very outrageous things, and when he was in the mood he could be very cruel and hard hearted but you could say they looked up to that."
"A stereotypical child bully, wasn't he?" Sunako smiled. "But, somehow I simply can't picture Muroi-san playing together with a child bully. Somehow, I have the impression that as a child you did nothing but read books by yourself."
"It wasn't like that. I got up to a lot of mischief," Seishin smiled. "Though usually the one who brought it up was Toshio. He'd plan some terrible prank, or plan some incredibly reckless way to play. He liked to defy taboos. I tried to be an outside force of resistance but Toshio would absolutely never listen to what I said. So I'd end up stuck going along with him. I probably thought it was my job to be the break to make sure Toshio wasn't too reckless."
"...Somehow, that does seem like you."
Seishin turned his eyes towards the light of the lamp.
"In the village we have a festival called the mushiokuri. I've followed after that.... ..."
Seishin somehow remembered the night of this year's mushiokuri. He had the feeling it was long ago, and yet that it had just happened.
"The truth is, you musn't do that kind of thing. It was a religious ritual, so to the villagers there are proper religious reasons why you shouldn't. It's in the middle of the night for one thing, so children following along after it is unheard of. But each year, there would always be children who would follow along after. That's what kind of creatures children are."
"That may be."
"I wonder how old we were? Toshio was the one who said we should try following them. I, of course, was against it. Mikiyasu was---any time it might have been dangerous, he would be caught between Toshio and me, all shook up. ... ... Mikiyasu was easily scared. He was a very scared, timid child. So, for him following after the procession was probably terrifying to him. If we were found by the adults we'd be yelled at. That wasn't all, it's a festival with a kind of scary atmosphere too. I opposed it, and with a relieved face he agreed with me; but, Toshio said 'if that's the case, fine' and said he'd go by himself, and he wanted to go with him so much he couldn't stand it."
"I think I understand," Sunako smiled. Seishin also smiled faintly.
"It was always like that. Mikiyasu in the end gingerly stuck with Toshio. I couldn't help it and tagged along to keep Toshio from making too much of a mess. It's always been like that... ..."
When was it that they stopped playing together? It wasn't just Seishin who, upon entering that pubescent threshold between childhood and adulthood, slipped out of the child only groups and made groups up of those the same age. Somewhere along the line they stopped playing purely stupid pranks and reckless games, and spent more time talking than doing things. Around that time Toshio too found the way to compromise with those older than him, and Seishin remembered borrowing quite a few books and records from the book store's Tashiro and the Murasako rice shop's older brother. And then Seishin didn't see much of Mikiyasu. Mikiyasu himself found other friends---and then became an adult, married, succeeded the family business, and became a father. But, certainly for a time, he and Mikiyasu had joint ownership over a certain time between them.
Seishin held his tongue thinking of Mikiyasu, outside of the village, in a hospital room somewhere. He lost his wife, he lost his child, and he was going to lose himself---.
Say, Sunako's voice suddenly chimed. "If Muroi-san had somebody dear to him, and if you thought that you wanted to let them live, do you know what you should do?"
"Become a doctor?"
"You're wrong," Sunako laughed. "You kill them."
Seishin was flabbergasted.
"To let someone live---if it means to be the master of their time of death, then it means to kill them of your own will. If you don't do it then someone else will kill that person. They will snatch them out of your hands, Muroi-san." Sunako said with a lightly voiced laugh. "Isn't it funny? It is hard having people near to you die. Even though you think it unforgivable, having them snatched out of your life, it's a terrible thing and yet if you want to avoid that, then there's nothing but to kill them yourself. That's what kind of creatures we are."
"Yes.... ... That is true."
Sunako stood from the bench and peered into the darkness of the sanctuary. "... ... Aren't 'precious' and 'piteous' rather alike?"
"Mm?"
Sunako laughed and turned to look back. "For example, suppose you were to keep a baby bird? You would want to hold it often, love it warmly, and it would be very precious to you."
Seishin vaguely nodded.
"But, however dearly you think of it, the little bird will someday die. No matter how much and how much you cherish it and take care of it, it cannot not die. If you don't want it to be taken by somebody else, if you want to have it live as you wish, so much that the only one to kill it ever could be you, then there's no difference in doing it yourself. That is why, yes? If something is precious, it isn't just precious, it's piteous. ...Don't you feel that way?"
"... ... I see."
"That's why if something dies and we think piteously on them, you would say it was precious. You don't want to lose them; losing them is pitiful, oshii, I think that is why we say they are dear, itooshii. Preciously piteous, ito oshii."
"....Mm."
Seishin smiled thinly. It was because Sunako was so argumentative, and because it was a reasoning that could be seen as charming from a certain broken vantage point, and also because it was funny that he was being convinced by a little girl of such a young age.
"Is this the kind of thing you always think about?"
At Seishin's question, Sunako looked to Seishin fleetingly, then as if averting her gaze looked up at the stained glass windows.
"I guess so. Living and dying---I often think of these things. I can't not think of them."
Her somewhat pensive tone of voice pricked at Seishin's chest. Sunako bore a grave burden on her health. You could even say that she was always in the ravine between life and death. Flustered with himself for such a foolish question, he suddenly remembered. SLE left one compromised. There were problems with one's immune system. Thus it was easy to catch an infectious disease, her body's ability to resist lacking due to having so many problems all over her body. And now in the village a dangerous plague was spreading out.
"Uhm...." Seishin again tonight was uncertain what to call Sunako, his words muddied. "I think it might be better not to come here too much, don't you?"
Sunako turned to face him. "As I thought, I'm a bother?"
"That isn't what I mean. It's just... there are wild dogs and such."
"Or talk of them. But, I have yet to catch sight of one."
"It's dangerous at night, even out in the country like this."
Sunako stared fiexedly at Seishin, then gave a begrudging nod mixed with a sigh. "I understand. I will behave myself in the house. I will be sure not to invade Muroi-san's territory."
"That isn't what I mean, really."
"You may say it to me frankly. I am used to not having things go my way."
"It isn't that," Seishin hesitated to say. "I'd like you to keep this a secret, but."
Sunako tilted her head.
"It will be fine to tell your parents. I think it is necessary to let your mother know especially. Your family's doctor as well. But, I don't want the people of the village to know. I'd like you not to let it leak outside of your house."
"Could it be that it is such an important secret?"
"That's right. For now, still."
"All right, I will promise."
And so Seishin explained to the girl who nodded with a serious expression.
"In the village right now, an unidentified disease is spreading."
Sunako blinked. "... ... An epidemic?"
"That's the question troubling us. Toshio is thinking that the wild dogs and small animals---and the ticks and fleas attached to them may be the intermediate carriers."
"And that is dangerous?"
"It's dangerous. At least, all of the patients that we have seen to this point have had the worst possible progression and outcome. ---It's ironic, isn't it? You all had come here seeking safer living conditions."
"That's so. I wonder if it isn't more dangerous than being in town. But, these things happen. And, what kind of sickness it is?"
Seishin shook his head. "I don't very well know yet. Toshio is saying that it doesn't conform to any existing epidemic."
"A new strain?"
"I don't know. There's the possibility that it's a new strain or a variation, he's saying, but. Since it becomes dramatically worse, there's no time to analyze it in detail. Unlike people from the city, the people of the village are against pathological autopsies. We also don't have a fully equipped hospital. That's why as far as specifics go, we are completely in the mists."
"I see... ..."
"So, it'd be better not to go out walking carelessly. Particularly with the possibility that the carrier animals are loitering in this area."
"I understand," Sunako tilted her head lightly to the side looking doubtful. "And I'd finally met Muroi-san, really it is too bad. I wonder if once in a while it would still be all right?"
"I don't know... ... To tell the truth, since we don't know what it is, we don't know how to defend against it. You might not be safe just because you're holed up in the house. I can't say any single thing for certain, though."
"It's like a roulette, isn't it? If my luck is poor, I shall be caught. But, that it would be better to lower my chances of a dangerous encounter is a truth, isn't it."
"That's what I think."
"Thank you. I will tell this to my mother and Ebuchi-san. But, I will say, not to talk about it outside of the house. If a panic breaks out, it will be troublesome. That is how it is, yes?"
Seishin nodded.
"I will take care to be careful, and it will only be once in a while. So, may I come again sometime?"
"It isn't something you need to seek my permission for. But, you really should take care."
8D
(Anonymous) 2014-01-05 02:00 am (UTC)(link)Seishin is the mama of the group, and Toshio is the papa of the group, that's sure to be expected. Seishin is Toshio's consort, right ever since they were small. Even Sunako notices something from their relationship, eh? Even she's wondering the same thing I do, that it's unexpected that two people of opposite personality will get along so well. I'm surprised with the word she uses here, because I don't think Seishin himself is particularly paternal... Or maternal in that matter.
no subject
I wonder if perhaps he didn't just feel obligated to hang out with Ozaki as he said; I think the answer to that would be in whether they still stuck together during puberty. We know he then went on to hang out with Munetaka and Masaki, and that Ozaki got better at getting along with others too, but did these two still hang out at all when there was no longer the need to be his breaks? I noticed that Mitsuo found how much they're meeting unusual, so they must not meet that often socially after all... though, that contrasts with how often the nurses and such seem to think they meet.
Did Seishin like him generally and also find some charm in the bully or did he just not have anything else and had the obligation to reign the idiot in?
8D
(Anonymous) 2014-01-05 07:29 am (UTC)(link)I don't think Seishin doesn't genuinely like him. If he doesn't, he'll not bother visiting him since they were small. Toshio rarely visits Seishin, because Seishin usually does all the job I figure. (I notice this because when Toshio visits the temple in the start of book 2, and then Seishin's room, I believe he says 'this room is the same as usual I see!' implying that it's the first in a long time that he visits Seishin's room)
That being said, I also think that Toshio actually rarely visits the temple. But he's still very sentimental about the temple. Even if two people rarely meet, that doesn't mean they don't actually like each other. Maybe it's also because they're not much of a social person, and that they may prefer to be alone to hanging out with people. (especially Seishin)
Liking a person also doesn't mean that you like all of them. There are parts of Seishin Toshio doesn't particularly like, like his idealistic nature, also maybe his indecisiveness. That doesn't make Toshio hate Seishin, Seishin's still his dearest friend. Even when they encounter major conflict which really threatens their relationship. It's also the case with Seishin; he obviously dislikes some parts about Toshio, but I don't think he hates him. It's that, when some bad things about people are exposed, it's as if those people were full of them, forgetting the good things. Maybe this is how it looks like to us readers, but I don't really think it's the case for both Seishin and Toshio. That once they notice something bad from each other, it'll make them immediately dislike each other. Maybe lifetime of friendship attributes to that. Though yes, because they're old friends, they may choose to just live with those flaws, not outright because they love each other.
But they're rather unlike other characters in Shiki in that even major conflicts don't make them immediately hate each other, in 'I've actually always hated them all along' sense. (general theme of Shiki?) I think that actually tells much. Doesn't make them particularly have romantic feelings toward each other, though.
no subject
I think Seishin does most of the visiting to Ozaki rather than vice versa; Seishin even comments that Ozaki contacting him first or inviting him over is rare (in their meeting after his outburst; at least, he says this in the anime), yet Seishin going over is not. That'd be hard to explain if Seishin didn't like him.
Ozaki mentioned he's used to and likes the smell of the temple, but maybe he means more the scent of Seishin from the temple. There's a gag doujinshi about that, where Sunako thinks Seishin is stinky, since Shiki are weak to incense, and Seishin smells like it. ...or, you know, Ikumi's incense is just tastelessly overdone and he associates it with her and she's annoying as hell.
I agree with that view for Ozaki, that he never mistook his current emotions for ones he'd always had, that he never even hated him. But not having read the whole novel yet, Seishin's a lot harder for me to understand. It's a theme that his little brother/ideal self wanted to be the older brother/secret self, and was just going through good motions all along; yet, the big brother wandered and felt angst, so did Seishin/the older brother actually feel the emotions of the little brother/ideal self all along and get over it at the end when he became one of the evil spirits who no longer had sin, or did Seishin just feel he should feel it until his epiphany or...
8D
(Anonymous) 2014-01-08 12:52 am (UTC)(link)'Seishin often seeks Toshio out himself' is quite my trump card I figure. I cannot imagine anyone who actually dislikes another people often seeks that person out on their own volition even when there's particularly no reason to. One may argue that Seishin only seeks him out when there are problems in the village which they have to solve together; but what about when they were younger? Even if that was in the past, I'd say this fact can't be dismissed easily. Then again, why must Seishin bother to visit Toshio in the night? Why not visit him tomorrow afternoon or something, it isn't like he doesn't have the time. (nighttime is Seishin's me time after all) Seishin often visits Toshio at night, which means he often ends up going to Toshio's room -- and he's pretty much comfortable being there. I cannot imagine him actually hating Toshio.
Ah, that makes sense too. After all, it seems that Toshio actually rarely visits the temple (excluding when he was small) but Seishin must be carrying the smell of the incense everywhere with him. For Toshio, the temple and northern mountain pretty much means Seishin.
That's also part of why I think Seishin is 'spoiling' Toshio. I'm a bit reminded of a couple which one of them is the one who usually gives, (Seishin's the one usually visiting him after all, and pretty much other stuffs as well); the other ends up being spoiled and pretty much takes the other for granted sometimes, though that doesn't mean they don't love this person.
The reason why Seishin's hard to understand may be also because he isn't even sure of himself. That's why I can sort of argue that Toshio may harbor some sort of romantic feelings toward Seishin, he's a lot more concrete on a lot of things but from Seishin's end, well... he's abstract, detached from his own self, he's like a ghost. He doesn't even know what he wants to do so his actions are vague too, that's understandable if we readers don't even get him. Toshio may get frustrated often with him, inside.
That being said, I can hazard a guess now about what happened when Toshio found out about Seishin's suicide attempt. Considering 2.2.6, seeing how Toshio's exasperated with Seishin because of a simple 'why?'...
Re: 8D
(Anonymous) 2014-01-08 05:46 pm (UTC)(link)I think that part roughly means: "I wonder what's going on, Toshio-kun?" to the vague reply, Miwako and Ikebe tilted their head, Seishin quickly finished his meal. [not sure how to merge the Seishin and Miwako+Ikebe part] (after that), he fetched the small pot, teacups and pot from Miwako (??? is a pot even needed when there's already a small pot) as he returned to his room. Instead of the office, Toshio indicated to (went towards direction of?) Seishin's room.
no subject
...is my completely context-lacking translation, subject to revision when I actually get to that part and which should probably not be used for anything. I'm guessing Miwako isn't talking to Toshio so much as about him based on the fact that it says Seishin is hurrying off with the tea pot, and apparently Toshio indicated where he wanted to meet him. Also, because Toshio doesn't give any response, which would be uncharacteristically rude of him if he were being spoken to (Seishin is the subject of the second sentence, thus the one giving a vague response). I'm guessing Toshio popped in and said 'yo, let's talk in your room' and headed off to wait rather than interrupt their dinner.
....I'm gonna be really embarrassed as a translator when I get there and am contextually way off, aren't I?
8D
(Anonymous) 2014-01-08 10:50 pm (UTC)(link)Then when Seishin has returned to his room, Toshio's already there, chilling in the veranda. (what do you translate engawa?) When knowing that Seishin's already returned, he's all 'aikawarazu~' before shutting the hakidashi mado (what do you translate this as well?) and the shoji door as well. Then while they're talking, he's also playing with Seishin's papers. I haven't really checked until farther, but I think that's when he notices the word 'Shiki' because I think he then turns to Seishin and says 'right so let's call them this!'
That tells much about his personality. Compared to Seishin, who barely touches anything in Toshio's room, who glues himself to the hospital's waiting room's glass door as he listens to Toshio talking til Toshio has to usher him in himself.
This is totally not canon-supported (especially from Seishin's end) and more suited as fic prompt and I'm not even serious but I'm now entertaining the idea of them wanting to reach out to each other, but deep inside still hesitate to do so to an extent for various reasons. That the whole time they've been trying to to an extent, but they both don't really notice that the other's been 'reaching out'. (Toshio hasn't really noticed that Seishin has been wanting/trying to reach out to him in his own way and vice versa) gosh that sounds a bit cheesy, haha!
no subject
I translate engawa as veranda, porch, or occasionally outdoor walkway; so he's hanging out just outside of his room waiting on him. The hakidashi mado are sliding glass doors (though sometimes they're also low, opaque dust doors you open that are about knee level or below--so far hakidashi mado have only come up when clearly being sliding glass doors or I'd culture note it and keep it as hakidashi window) and the shoji would be the blinds, possibly covering the glass doors for privacy.
no subject
I also think Ozaki got into the habit of taking Seishin for granted; I don't make much of him being so at-home in Seishin's territory. He seems like the type who would be fairly comfortable anywhere, though, he does seem to have gone right back into childhood friend mode, even after clearly having been apart so many years. Personally, I take Seishin's more reserved nature to indicate that, while he must know Ozaki would have no problems (and would probably express less annoyance with him) if he just let himself in and sat down, he doesn't think Ozaki quite knows how much Seishin wants. To Ozaki, it is what it is. To Seishin, there's subtext and unexpressed desires to be closer, to express something he can't, and so he can't quite be as unreserved in action with him, even if he is considerably more relaxed verbally with him than he is with others. But so far I have nothing to support that, so in the name of objectivity, I'll argue that it highlights a difference in their personalities; Seishin's personality is certainly more reserved regardless of any supposed feelings.
At any rate, while I don't really see Toshio as trying to reach out, (I see that purely as Seishin---I tend to read Ozaki as more face value) I'd enjoy reading such a fic when you get around to it.
8D
(Anonymous) 2014-01-10 02:28 am (UTC)(link)For the time being I'm more interested in analyzing Toshio, (about the nature of his feelings for Seishin) so that's pretty much the only thing I do now. Seishin is harder for me to analyze, maybe because I also tend to take things at face value at first and analyze later according to the impressions I get but with Seishin I feel like I cannot really do this because he's deeper, but at the same time abstract and vague -- jumbled mess. So far I still don't really see anything from his end so I'm amazed because how do you do that? But then again other people also think that Seishin's more likely of the two to have romantic feelings, so maybe that's just me having limited knowledge about romance in general.
What I can say is that, if I were Toshio it's very possible for me to crush on Seishin. I often get interested in my close friends after all -- but still act all selfish like Toshio. So if you're wondering about why I'm sort of able to see that Toshio may harbor romantic feelings for Seishin, that's because from my perspective it's possible. That's kinda a bad form of analyzing things I figure, I should put a limit to this before I project myself/my experiences onto Toshio too much, that could hinder my analyzing.
That makes me wonder. My friend crushes on my other friend and he pretty much treats her like a queen. He treats her differently from how he treats me, his also-close friend. Doesn't mean I won't treat my crush differently, but not as much as my friend I figure... Maybe that's just me, who even though crushes on a person, doesn't treat them as an exclusive being to me. Could be that even if I crush on them, doesn't mean deep inside I want to enter a relationship. I may daydream about relationship with my crush sometimes -- who doesn't, but whenever I think deeper, that's like a no. That's how it is so far, can't say the same for the future really.
Now that I think about it, maybe my feelings aren't enough to be called a crush, really. But even I treated my longest crush like that... I'm the worst.
no subject
I wonder if Seishin doesn't come back to what Sunako says at the end when he's on the opposing side to Toshio. Does he consider killing him when he knows that someone else might, when he knows that Sunako ordered everyone to go out and assassinate him? If he doesn't, then that could also be proof that maybe Seishin isn't really all that emotionally attached to Toshio after all, and only hangs out with him because of habit.
Well, Seishin can obviously tell that there's something about Sunako. He wouldn't unload all of his problems and seriousness on a regular child.
Would Ozaki have picked up on that too?
"I had seen the light and thought that it might have been you. I could see from the window of my house."
Wouldn't it suck if Sunako had seen the light like 5 minutes before Seishin went home, and when she got over there he was gone?
no subject
Not that I can say with certainty Seishin isn't also batshit insane, but I suspect his understanding of it is more abstract: it is clear there's a difference between killing and letting die, to Seishin. If you want them to live as long as you want them to, then, when they do die as all must, it must be because you no longer will them to live, so you, responsible for their death if only through disinterest, "kill" them. So giving up your attachment to them is killing them, which I think matches well the little brother being "killed." Seishin, in trying to "kill" himself was trying to stop caring anymore about a certain part of himself, about others, maybe.
Not to get too spoilery, but Seishin does find himself, even while blood drained and dazed to hell, "unable to not ask" if Ozaki is alive and well when Tatsumi reports on the situation. Tatsumi remarks that he's frustratingly alive and well, and supposes Seishin is happy about that; Seishin isn't sure how to answer.
I could see that happening. Imagine if she were giving her talk to Tohru, then suddenly noticed the light: "Oops, this talk will have to wait, I have to go be a fangirl! I'm not going to miss him like LAST time!"
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...with the above logic though, the idea of wanting something that he loves die doesn't work because he definitely does not love the village, and he wants it and his own responsibilities to vanish, to /die/. Unlike Toshio, he doesn't really want to save the village for the village's sake.
So his passive attitude about leaving the village to die is also (arguably) ironically lifted only by his violent action at the end with murdering Ookawa.
I can sort of understand Seishin being unsure if it's best for Toshio to be alive or not. Obviously if they're friends--and even if they're not, Seishin definitely has an attachment from hanging out together all the time--one would undoubtedly want their friend to live. But Toshio is waging this war against Shiki, so if he's alive, many others (Shiki, but Seishin considers them to be people) will die. "So would I want to keep one person alive so he can kill other people?" Seishin would wonder. And the Shiki are also out to get Toshio, so the more havoc he wreaks against them then the angrier they'll be, and when they do get to him, if they will, their punishment towards him will be even more cruel.
Perhaps she uses Tatsumi as a lookout to tell her as soon as the light comes on to avoid such situations! But what will she think when she runs over there decked out in her Queen of Hearts cosplay and discovers that it's actually Atsushi holding vigil for his late boyfriend?