Sinnesspiel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sinnesspiel) wrote2019-11-28 03:47 pm
sinnesspiel) wrote2019-11-28 03:47 pm
Shiki Novel Translations 3.14.5
5
Tohru went along the mountain path as if dragging his legs with each step. Today, the old person Tohru had attacked had convulsions partway through. He may have died.
(I've killed again.)
His sins kept piling up--just like this.
Climbing the face of the western mountain, he met with a man. Tohru had heard of him, Gotouda Shuuji, from those who had pulled him from the village. He was the first one from the village to rise this summer. Falling into grief over having his elderly mother, wanting to kill his guilt, he'd fallen into ruin. Plenty of their allies did nothing to hide their disdain for Shuuji, and Masao and others openly scorned him, but Tohru knew his feelings too well. He bit into himself with his own fangs, and for a short time it was like being drunk, in which one could submerge themselves in that degeneration. If he could, he'd like to become like that himself. What stopped Tohru was that while Shuuji walked with a drunken, dtaggering gate, when he was like this it was instead as if he'd lost any sense of guilt at all towards killing. He hurt himself to flee the weight of his sins. So maybe he no longer was aware of any sin, and maybe that was all it was. Tohru too wanted to forget his sins, but he feared no longer thinking of it as a bad thing. So on the one hand he wanted to become like Shuuji, on the other hand he did not.
The man dizzily stumbled here and there, and Tohru walked on in silence as the man left his sights. When he came to the western muontain's forest path, Tohru hesitated for a moment. He wondered if he should turn towards the northern mountain, show his face at the graveyard, or maybe if he should go into Yamairi.
Maybe Natsuno didn't rise. If he had any hope of being reborn in the first place, Natsuno had probably already been transferred to Yamairi. So he was probably peacefully asleep.
While thinking there was no purpose in going, somewhere in his heart he couldn't give up. Tohru couldn't stop himself from doing along the woodland path to the temple graveyard. Just as he came to the temple, there was somebody there waiting for him.
Who this man was, what he was, Tohru and the others all knew.
"Tending to a grave, are you, Lad?" Seishirou smiled thinly. This man was not one like Tohru and the others. At the very least he was a person. None the less, he protected those who dwelt at Kanemasa, and in return they accepted him as an ally.
Tohru nodded. He was prepared for any scolding he may receive.
"I wonder about approaching so close to the temple, though. The Junior Monk there is aware of our existance, you see."
Seihirou said 'our' but Seishirou was not the same as Tohru.
"......Go to Kanemasa. Sunako is calling for you."
Tohru nodded, acquiescing and turning back. It was known that he was visiting the graveyard.
Being called by the master at Kanemasa meant being punished. If Yoshie called you, you may only be scolded, but if it were Tatsumi you would be punished. Being called by Kanemasa was the worst. Seishirou or possibly Sunako would scold you, and Tatsumi would punish you. Depending on the circumstances, a grave penalty may have been levied. None of them had the right to deny it. If you feared the punishment and tried to flee, everyone knew all too well what happened. Tohru himself had taken part in the burial of one of their allied who had tried to run.
He went towards Kanemasa with a sense of desparation, ringing the bell as if he were a living guest. A young girl's voice answered, though Tohru didn't recognize it. Tohru had almost no contact with any of those who dwelt at Kanemasa.
Tohru did recognize the girl who opened the side entrance. Mimura Yasumi, she used to live in Naka Sotoba. In early Autumn, the Mimura family had suddenly moved, and Yasumi alone had stayed in Yamairi but lately he had thought that he hadn't seen her around. He'd thought she might have moved to the city but this was where she had been.
"I'm Mutou.... The husband of the Kirishikis told me to come."
Yes, Yasumi nodded. She invited him inside and closed the doors behind him. He stepped into an all too normal house from within the entryway.
"Wait right there."
Yes, he said hanging his head, standing there idly within what looked by the furniture to be a drawing room.
He could faintly hear the sounds of dinnerware being set. When he turned, he saw Sunako enter with two coffee cups on a tray. Tohru smiled to himself. It was like he was a human guest. Bringing coffee into the drawing room, surely Sunako would tell him to have a seat.
"Have a seat."
When she at last said it, Tohru smiled, feeling as if he might cry. Sunako looked puzzled as she set out the coffee cups. Tohru could no longer take in regular food but he could take in fluids. It was possible they didn't need it to live but in Yamairi they were at least given drinks. When people gathered together, at least, you had to have alcohol, and it seemed their hide out hadn't been found. Even if they drank, they couldn't get drunk but in Yamairi they still drank no small amount of liquor.
"......Been stopping by the temple cemetary, have you?"
Tohru nodded.
"You must be lamenting having killed him?"
"Isn't that obvious?" Tohru looked to the girl in front of him. "I knew Natsuno. How can you all be fine with it? It's outright murder."
Sunako smiled. It was a smile that held a shadow within.
"To be a Shiki is to hunt people. We are antagonistic towards them after all. Isn't it inevitable, though, as we Shiki will perish if we do not hunt them?"
"But."
"People, too, hunt living beings, don't they? They live by hunting the lives of others. It's no different, you see. This is no murder. It's merely a necessary measure for survival."
"People aren't animals. They're not like cows and pigs."
So true, Sunako said lowering her eyes. "Indeed, people are not livestock---they appear different. Livestock do not lament, they feel neither sorrow nor delight. ---Or, is that so?"
Tohru nodded.
"Even livestock do not wish to die. There are no living things that do not wish to avoid their own death. Surely, there are none. After all, life is a mechanism to ensure existence. All living things live. They exist to exist. Yet we think that wishing not to die, to grieve death as uniquely human. It isn't. Humans are not the only beings which fear death. And why should they be? It's merely that humans can only understand the sorrow and fear of human beings."
"But."
"If they are hurt, if they are about to be hurt, do not chickens and cows flee? All living beings wish not to die. At the most fundamentla level, grass and trees are no different. After all, life is programmed to live. It exists to preserve itself and to leave itself behind. That is the very nature that defines life," Sunako said, gesturing to a flower in a vase. "This flower is the same. It exists to live. Given that's its entire reason for existing, obstruction is ever the tragedy. This point is no different for humans, for animals, for plants; there is no difference at all. ---This flower has been cut, yes. It's been cut off. It's on the verge of death. But it takes in water, the flower keeps alive. This is its resistance towards death. All life is alike. It fears death. It resists death. Humans take this and trample it under foot for their own purposes. They kill livestock, and even go so far as to cut them down like this merely because they enjoy the sight.
What you are doing now, what you have done until now, is no different. You are suffering a pang of consciousness but you're doing nothing more cruel now than you have done before. You're only being as cruel as you have ever been, though before in a system which existed to protect your conscience. Your sense for the death of animals, the death of plants, had only been numbed."
"I can't think that way......" Tohru covered his face. "I know what you're saying. And I'm sure it's right. But it's not good."
"Why?"
"Because people don't wanna die. Because killing people is cruel. This isn't theory. There's no human that doesn't let out a cry when they're killed. They're begging to be saved. Isn't that what it is?"
"Don't livestock cry out when they are killed as well?"
"They do, but still."
Sunako smile.
"Well don't they? Don't livestock cry out when they're killed? But, the truth is that it isn't a cry."
Tohru raised his face.
"It's just a 'sound like screaming.' We don't know that it's truly screaming. After all, it isn't as if humans can understand the hearts of animals. But the sounds animals make on the brink of death sound similar to those of humans screaming, so we just feel as if that must be what it is."
"You're the one who just said it! That anything alive doesn't want to die."
"Yes, it doesn't wish to die. After all, that would go against the meaning of life. This is a separate problem from that.
Are you listening? Livestock raise their voices and cry out, yes? Humans feel that must be a cry. But humans don't know, not really, what livestock think and feel. Killed animals let out a cry. ---And perhaps that is truly a cry declaring their terror before death, or perhaps it isn't anything like that at all. We don't know the truth. People can only understand the thoughts and motives of other people. Do you understand? That is what's important."
Tohru nodded.
"We don't know the truth. They cannot communicate their will. That said, to suppose that everything abides by humanity's understanding, that it shows all signs and makes all of the sounds of lament, to take it in no different from a human's outcry, a human sign from an animal, to suppose we understand it is foolish.
Shiki can certainly understand the heart of a human. We can understand a human's fear and grief. Because we come from the same lifeforms, we can understand them. But that's all that it is. Even if we have an understanding, the same as if we did not, Shiki cannot live without attacking humans. There isn't any difference at all between humans hunting beasts, or humans harvesting vegetation. Indeed, humans have fear, have sorrow, have terror. But a fear of death is not special to humans, and they have no special value. All that's special is that humans and Shiki signal it in the same manner."
"The same signal...."
"There's no reason to take pity upon our prey. This is the natural way to continue our lives. It's no different than humans who hunt. Because of the unique connection between Shiki and man, perhaps we feel it as particularly cruel, but obviously it is only as cruel as humans who hunt other lifeforms. ---It isn't the slightest bit different.
We are Shiki, and this is our hunting ground. People are the game. There is no meaning beyond that. However, our prey is especially strong and cunning, and if we lower our guard, we will be counter-hunted. Humans are much more dangerous prey than beasts. So we must have caution. If we aren't watchful, we will not be able to remain alive like this."
"But..."
"We do not want to die either. Isn't it the same for you?"
Tohru nodded.
"If you don't want to die, then you will ultimately continue to attack your prey, won't you?"
".... I will."
"I will not say not to have sympathy for your prey. But you must not blame yourself. If you are going to blame yourself, you must hate yourself enough to kill yourself, or else.... Those are the only true choices."
Tohru covered his face. Sobs flowed fourth. There was the sound of rustling clothing, and soon he felt a small hand on his shoulder. There was no warmth in that small hand, but in that soft and small gesture, he could feel tenderness.
Through all of it, though, Tohru could not help but feel cynical that he was being comforted by the head of what had thrust Tohru into this sadness in the first place. Yet Tohru could only cling to that small body. Those thin arms went around him, patting him sympathetically.
Tohru went along the mountain path as if dragging his legs with each step. Today, the old person Tohru had attacked had convulsions partway through. He may have died.
(I've killed again.)
His sins kept piling up--just like this.
Climbing the face of the western mountain, he met with a man. Tohru had heard of him, Gotouda Shuuji, from those who had pulled him from the village. He was the first one from the village to rise this summer. Falling into grief over having his elderly mother, wanting to kill his guilt, he'd fallen into ruin. Plenty of their allies did nothing to hide their disdain for Shuuji, and Masao and others openly scorned him, but Tohru knew his feelings too well. He bit into himself with his own fangs, and for a short time it was like being drunk, in which one could submerge themselves in that degeneration. If he could, he'd like to become like that himself. What stopped Tohru was that while Shuuji walked with a drunken, dtaggering gate, when he was like this it was instead as if he'd lost any sense of guilt at all towards killing. He hurt himself to flee the weight of his sins. So maybe he no longer was aware of any sin, and maybe that was all it was. Tohru too wanted to forget his sins, but he feared no longer thinking of it as a bad thing. So on the one hand he wanted to become like Shuuji, on the other hand he did not.
The man dizzily stumbled here and there, and Tohru walked on in silence as the man left his sights. When he came to the western muontain's forest path, Tohru hesitated for a moment. He wondered if he should turn towards the northern mountain, show his face at the graveyard, or maybe if he should go into Yamairi.
Maybe Natsuno didn't rise. If he had any hope of being reborn in the first place, Natsuno had probably already been transferred to Yamairi. So he was probably peacefully asleep.
While thinking there was no purpose in going, somewhere in his heart he couldn't give up. Tohru couldn't stop himself from doing along the woodland path to the temple graveyard. Just as he came to the temple, there was somebody there waiting for him.
Who this man was, what he was, Tohru and the others all knew.
"Tending to a grave, are you, Lad?" Seishirou smiled thinly. This man was not one like Tohru and the others. At the very least he was a person. None the less, he protected those who dwelt at Kanemasa, and in return they accepted him as an ally.
Tohru nodded. He was prepared for any scolding he may receive.
"I wonder about approaching so close to the temple, though. The Junior Monk there is aware of our existance, you see."
Seihirou said 'our' but Seishirou was not the same as Tohru.
"......Go to Kanemasa. Sunako is calling for you."
Tohru nodded, acquiescing and turning back. It was known that he was visiting the graveyard.
Being called by the master at Kanemasa meant being punished. If Yoshie called you, you may only be scolded, but if it were Tatsumi you would be punished. Being called by Kanemasa was the worst. Seishirou or possibly Sunako would scold you, and Tatsumi would punish you. Depending on the circumstances, a grave penalty may have been levied. None of them had the right to deny it. If you feared the punishment and tried to flee, everyone knew all too well what happened. Tohru himself had taken part in the burial of one of their allied who had tried to run.
He went towards Kanemasa with a sense of desparation, ringing the bell as if he were a living guest. A young girl's voice answered, though Tohru didn't recognize it. Tohru had almost no contact with any of those who dwelt at Kanemasa.
Tohru did recognize the girl who opened the side entrance. Mimura Yasumi, she used to live in Naka Sotoba. In early Autumn, the Mimura family had suddenly moved, and Yasumi alone had stayed in Yamairi but lately he had thought that he hadn't seen her around. He'd thought she might have moved to the city but this was where she had been.
"I'm Mutou.... The husband of the Kirishikis told me to come."
Yes, Yasumi nodded. She invited him inside and closed the doors behind him. He stepped into an all too normal house from within the entryway.
"Wait right there."
Yes, he said hanging his head, standing there idly within what looked by the furniture to be a drawing room.
He could faintly hear the sounds of dinnerware being set. When he turned, he saw Sunako enter with two coffee cups on a tray. Tohru smiled to himself. It was like he was a human guest. Bringing coffee into the drawing room, surely Sunako would tell him to have a seat.
"Have a seat."
When she at last said it, Tohru smiled, feeling as if he might cry. Sunako looked puzzled as she set out the coffee cups. Tohru could no longer take in regular food but he could take in fluids. It was possible they didn't need it to live but in Yamairi they were at least given drinks. When people gathered together, at least, you had to have alcohol, and it seemed their hide out hadn't been found. Even if they drank, they couldn't get drunk but in Yamairi they still drank no small amount of liquor.
"......Been stopping by the temple cemetary, have you?"
Tohru nodded.
"You must be lamenting having killed him?"
"Isn't that obvious?" Tohru looked to the girl in front of him. "I knew Natsuno. How can you all be fine with it? It's outright murder."
Sunako smiled. It was a smile that held a shadow within.
"To be a Shiki is to hunt people. We are antagonistic towards them after all. Isn't it inevitable, though, as we Shiki will perish if we do not hunt them?"
"But."
"People, too, hunt living beings, don't they? They live by hunting the lives of others. It's no different, you see. This is no murder. It's merely a necessary measure for survival."
"People aren't animals. They're not like cows and pigs."
So true, Sunako said lowering her eyes. "Indeed, people are not livestock---they appear different. Livestock do not lament, they feel neither sorrow nor delight. ---Or, is that so?"
Tohru nodded.
"Even livestock do not wish to die. There are no living things that do not wish to avoid their own death. Surely, there are none. After all, life is a mechanism to ensure existence. All living things live. They exist to exist. Yet we think that wishing not to die, to grieve death as uniquely human. It isn't. Humans are not the only beings which fear death. And why should they be? It's merely that humans can only understand the sorrow and fear of human beings."
"But."
"If they are hurt, if they are about to be hurt, do not chickens and cows flee? All living beings wish not to die. At the most fundamentla level, grass and trees are no different. After all, life is programmed to live. It exists to preserve itself and to leave itself behind. That is the very nature that defines life," Sunako said, gesturing to a flower in a vase. "This flower is the same. It exists to live. Given that's its entire reason for existing, obstruction is ever the tragedy. This point is no different for humans, for animals, for plants; there is no difference at all. ---This flower has been cut, yes. It's been cut off. It's on the verge of death. But it takes in water, the flower keeps alive. This is its resistance towards death. All life is alike. It fears death. It resists death. Humans take this and trample it under foot for their own purposes. They kill livestock, and even go so far as to cut them down like this merely because they enjoy the sight.
What you are doing now, what you have done until now, is no different. You are suffering a pang of consciousness but you're doing nothing more cruel now than you have done before. You're only being as cruel as you have ever been, though before in a system which existed to protect your conscience. Your sense for the death of animals, the death of plants, had only been numbed."
"I can't think that way......" Tohru covered his face. "I know what you're saying. And I'm sure it's right. But it's not good."
"Why?"
"Because people don't wanna die. Because killing people is cruel. This isn't theory. There's no human that doesn't let out a cry when they're killed. They're begging to be saved. Isn't that what it is?"
"Don't livestock cry out when they are killed as well?"
"They do, but still."
Sunako smile.
"Well don't they? Don't livestock cry out when they're killed? But, the truth is that it isn't a cry."
Tohru raised his face.
"It's just a 'sound like screaming.' We don't know that it's truly screaming. After all, it isn't as if humans can understand the hearts of animals. But the sounds animals make on the brink of death sound similar to those of humans screaming, so we just feel as if that must be what it is."
"You're the one who just said it! That anything alive doesn't want to die."
"Yes, it doesn't wish to die. After all, that would go against the meaning of life. This is a separate problem from that.
Are you listening? Livestock raise their voices and cry out, yes? Humans feel that must be a cry. But humans don't know, not really, what livestock think and feel. Killed animals let out a cry. ---And perhaps that is truly a cry declaring their terror before death, or perhaps it isn't anything like that at all. We don't know the truth. People can only understand the thoughts and motives of other people. Do you understand? That is what's important."
Tohru nodded.
"We don't know the truth. They cannot communicate their will. That said, to suppose that everything abides by humanity's understanding, that it shows all signs and makes all of the sounds of lament, to take it in no different from a human's outcry, a human sign from an animal, to suppose we understand it is foolish.
Shiki can certainly understand the heart of a human. We can understand a human's fear and grief. Because we come from the same lifeforms, we can understand them. But that's all that it is. Even if we have an understanding, the same as if we did not, Shiki cannot live without attacking humans. There isn't any difference at all between humans hunting beasts, or humans harvesting vegetation. Indeed, humans have fear, have sorrow, have terror. But a fear of death is not special to humans, and they have no special value. All that's special is that humans and Shiki signal it in the same manner."
"The same signal...."
"There's no reason to take pity upon our prey. This is the natural way to continue our lives. It's no different than humans who hunt. Because of the unique connection between Shiki and man, perhaps we feel it as particularly cruel, but obviously it is only as cruel as humans who hunt other lifeforms. ---It isn't the slightest bit different.
We are Shiki, and this is our hunting ground. People are the game. There is no meaning beyond that. However, our prey is especially strong and cunning, and if we lower our guard, we will be counter-hunted. Humans are much more dangerous prey than beasts. So we must have caution. If we aren't watchful, we will not be able to remain alive like this."
"But..."
"We do not want to die either. Isn't it the same for you?"
Tohru nodded.
"If you don't want to die, then you will ultimately continue to attack your prey, won't you?"
".... I will."
"I will not say not to have sympathy for your prey. But you must not blame yourself. If you are going to blame yourself, you must hate yourself enough to kill yourself, or else.... Those are the only true choices."
Tohru covered his face. Sobs flowed fourth. There was the sound of rustling clothing, and soon he felt a small hand on his shoulder. There was no warmth in that small hand, but in that soft and small gesture, he could feel tenderness.
Through all of it, though, Tohru could not help but feel cynical that he was being comforted by the head of what had thrust Tohru into this sadness in the first place. Yet Tohru could only cling to that small body. Those thin arms went around him, patting him sympathetically.