8D -- I guess I'm lucky in that I'm not miserable here because of my family's medical background. I find the familiarity pretty comforting even if I find the looming future dreadful. Borrowing Ritsuko's words but changing a few; I don't think of it as bad because I don't know other things I like better. I'm also pretty grateful for my ability to keep my feelings flat so I don't get too miserable, lol. My friend actually kind of admires that ability of mine. Her words are "You can go through things even if your heart isn't really into it." She'd feel very miserable instead. She initially hated med school, but now has found her dream here she would like to accomplish no matter what. I'm glad that now she's found true love in med school.
While not really enjoying it here (but not hating it either -- it's flat), I'm starting to form my values here, and envision what kind of doctor I'd like to be. I'm grateful enough that I think this is a good profession to channel my morals. There are worse places where I can't even do that. Not that I think it's 'flawless', since there are things I still kind of balk at (which I'm working on, because it'll probably not be good for me and others if I cling to it)
Since I'm not that passionate of a person, I think I better find a specialization that I find generally interesting, suits my skill set and is generally convenient for me, lol. I mean, if I were to base everything on passion I'd probably not find any. If during my clinical clerkship I found out that psychiatry suits me best, then I'll take it.
I've been thinking quite a lot about stuffs. I believe that there's no such thing as meaningless existence and that every existence no matter how small is significant. So even if I only 'trolled through life' that has to count as a meaningful accomplishment, but I want more I guess, due to my individuality and the shame over being too bland and not as capable compared to other people. There has to be something only I have and only I can give. Something unique to me. There has to be a way to contribute to the world while still being authentically and uniquely me. The current me is not assertive enough, however, and I think together with finding ways to contribute to the world as myself I have to learn to assert myself in order to do that. As of now I'm much, much too afraid.
Thank you, lol. Well, If I were to be honest indifference is in a way something I've been wanting to achieve. I figure my life would be easier if things are just flat (I was terribly emotional as a kid and feeling flat is way better than feeling distressed, sad, or being too overwhelmed by feelings in general) so it's a defense mechanism, but sometimes it backfires a bit I guess? For the record, I'm still very sensitive, but growing up also means that your control over your emotions mature so things are pretty good. Actually, the reason I want to be indifferent is exactly because I have bad control over my emotions and actions based on them.
I don't find it bad to be conforming; I conform a lot and I think it's good. The problem is, I find things aren't balanced when it should be balanced. I just talked about this with my close friends yesterday; it's not a new news that my friends think I'm a little too dependent on other people's decisions. My Toshio friend (to set them apart) asked me if I'm the type who can accept others' advice. I asked back: "Doesn't being dependent on others' decisions mean that I accept their advice easily?" "No, it's different," she said. I was a bit confused as to why they're different, but now I think I know why. Then I explained to them that the reason I lean a lot on other people's thoughts is because I try to understand their thoughts first. The problem lies in how focused I am on them while not asserting myself (due to fear and inferiority mostly). My other friend chimed in and said: "So you try to plant their thoughts in you." And yes, that's the best way to put it.
In terms of my relation to the 'system', the best way to put it is I let it influence myself a lot while not asserting my own place. I hide instead due to fear and inferiority. That's when things turn bad. It's bad because it's potentially unhealthy. It makes me question my own sense of self, sometimes -- not that I don't have it, given how self-focused I actually am, but I find it a little disturbing that in the terms of practical matters I tend to be so externally focused while not asserting my internal structure. Being too dependent is always not good.
I get too dependent on my quest in finding out the 'truth'/most right thing. I usually automatically assume that people are right and I might be wrong. But now that I think, is 'wrong' and 'right', 'truth' and 'falsehood' dichotomies the most important thing that I have to set aside other things? They're important, but now that I think about it, they're probably not the whole thing, but I'm still so very focused on this quest.
I don't think Seishin sees the Shiki as actually humans, but that he sees them as 'innocent'. So it escapes him as to why they should be punished when they do nothing wrong in rising up as Shiki and needing others' blood to survive. For Seishin, they don't have to be killed. To do so is injustice, and that's not how the 'law' should be according to his ideals. But his 'law' doesn't align with 'collective law', the law that all people except him follow as citizens of the world. I think 'God' is the metaphor for the world/universe, and 'the law' is metaphor for its workings/structure including humanity (probably both words can be used interchangeably; so 'system' could mean both God and the law). Seishin believes in his own ideals (many kinds of them, not just about the Shiki), but when one's ideas seem to go against the existing structure you'll usually start to think whether you're the one at fault because you're the only one thinking this way. In thinking like this, Seishin becomes well aware about how 'different' he is, how at fault he is and isolated he is. Then a part of him will start to push away those differences due to shame, and try to embrace the existing structure probably because he should be able to truly embrace them just like everyone else, but he cannot. Another part of him knows very well what he wants, and that he should achieve them, and that no matter how much he tries he'll never be like everyone else. I think this part of him has accepted his true fate. That's what I think anyway. I think that's how a lot of people's psychology works were they in this particular situation.
Canonically too, for Seishin, there's the fear that he'll be shunned out by people, over being different I think. The system is usually unforgiving towards people who don't fit, and he fears being 'exiled', so he works hard to 'fit in'.
Like Sunako, I think what Seishin said to her inside of the burning church is sad indeed. Sad because not belonging to any order is sad. Human beings long for structure, and they'll seek for it -- whether it's religious structure or other structures. Structure could be something which links you to other people/world, or something beyond yourself. Something which gives yourself a bigger meaning, something to validate yourself by belonging to a validated structure. Being a part of an acknowledged structure/system means that you yourself are validated too, like adopting a collective moral view such as thinking that 'killing is bad'. This view is adopted by nearly all people in the world, therefore making it a valid one. If you adopt this view, you're recognized as good, but if you do the opposite/do things opposite of this view then you're bad. Everyone knows that. Sunako doesn't actually want to be recognized as a 'bad' person but she recognizes that what she's doing as bad, which is why she works hard in finding people who can validate her ways/methods to validate herself -- but in working to deny that perception would only mean that her mindset still wraps around 'good' and 'bad' as included within the 'law'.
That's what Seishin tells her to stop doing I think: "You don't need to worry about such thing. You're no longer a member of God's system (God's jurisdiction), therefore God's law doesn't apply to you anymore. What you're doing cannot be classified as good or bad because you're exempt from God's law." For people like Seishin and Sunako who long to be a part of structure, this doesn't actually relieve them. This is horrible for them. As much as Sunako doesn't want to be viewed as bad, at the very least she still wants to be included within the 'law'. Seishin at first sort of refuses the idea that he's exempt from the law, but him turning into a Jinrou likely cements the idea as an actual fact that he should accept his fate. Both of them have no choice but to accept it.
There are a lot of things I disagree with how the world works, but I want to truly participate in it. To be influenced but also to influence in return, to create an impact. I have a tendency to run away and wallow in bitterness, but it's also true that what I dislike won't change as long as I don't participate. I have ideas; I should work to implement those ideas into the world's workings. Thankfully, it's also true that I mostly agree with the system/structure I'm in.
If I were a junior monk in Sotoba, I'd likely be a milder version of Seishin. There's a bit of bitterness, there's a bit of feeling like the whole village sucks and so does its people and world in general, but I think I'll be mostly accepting. I'll feel like I'm only trolling my way through life, but it's still pretty good. I'll be more impatient than he is and more anxious, but I think I'll assist Toshio to the end in exterminating the Shiki even if at times conflicted. I'll probably be more decisive. I'll probably kick Toshio's ass over what he did to Kyouko but still comes back later to assist him, though it'll put a real damage in our relationship. Damn, if I were the junior monk of Sotoba I'll find Toshio attractive and so are a lot of other people. I'll also be more flirty.
Lol, I think despite being an anon I'm the person who shares her personal details the most here. Even Sinnesspiel knows my twitter where I post several of my pictures. For the record, I love contemplating about myself and talking about myself lol (I can be a bit of a narcissist). Oh no, I've never let people know my philosophical side so far so that's now what makes them think of me as weird, but they find the way I act is weird -- you know, like that kid who's so wrapped up in her little world so she doesn't really act like the majority of people. I'm also super awkward (like how Seishin's awkward) and take jokes in a literal sense, so people often make fun of that side of me.
That's good, and I also admire people who have a long fuse lol. Mine is admittedly pretty short, and I trick it by making myself indifferent to the whole thing. Being anxious of what people think of me also makes me look after my performance (even if I was never an overachieving kid), so sometimes it can be a good trait.
Haha, high on my list of what I want in a partner would be 'someone who isn't too much like me'. There'll be no development that way. Speaking about appearance, I'm often attracted to people who wear glasses. I wonder if it's because I wear glasses myself? But I think they indeed make people look better.
It's sad that Toshio (and Seishin) are really expected to get married and have children, when that's probably not what they want. :(
Re: 8D
While not really enjoying it here (but not hating it either -- it's flat), I'm starting to form my values here, and envision what kind of doctor I'd like to be. I'm grateful enough that I think this is a good profession to channel my morals. There are worse places where I can't even do that. Not that I think it's 'flawless', since there are things I still kind of balk at (which I'm working on, because it'll probably not be good for me and others if I cling to it)
Since I'm not that passionate of a person, I think I better find a specialization that I find generally interesting, suits my skill set and is generally convenient for me, lol. I mean, if I were to base everything on passion I'd probably not find any. If during my clinical clerkship I found out that psychiatry suits me best, then I'll take it.
I've been thinking quite a lot about stuffs. I believe that there's no such thing as meaningless existence and that every existence no matter how small is significant. So even if I only 'trolled through life' that has to count as a meaningful accomplishment, but I want more I guess, due to my individuality and the shame over being too bland and not as capable compared to other people. There has to be something only I have and only I can give. Something unique to me. There has to be a way to contribute to the world while still being authentically and uniquely me. The current me is not assertive enough, however, and I think together with finding ways to contribute to the world as myself I have to learn to assert myself in order to do that. As of now I'm much, much too afraid.
Thank you, lol. Well, If I were to be honest indifference is in a way something I've been wanting to achieve. I figure my life would be easier if things are just flat (I was terribly emotional as a kid and feeling flat is way better than feeling distressed, sad, or being too overwhelmed by feelings in general) so it's a defense mechanism, but sometimes it backfires a bit I guess? For the record, I'm still very sensitive, but growing up also means that your control over your emotions mature so things are pretty good. Actually, the reason I want to be indifferent is exactly because I have bad control over my emotions and actions based on them.
I don't find it bad to be conforming; I conform a lot and I think it's good. The problem is, I find things aren't balanced when it should be balanced. I just talked about this with my close friends yesterday; it's not a new news that my friends think I'm a little too dependent on other people's decisions. My Toshio friend (to set them apart) asked me if I'm the type who can accept others' advice. I asked back: "Doesn't being dependent on others' decisions mean that I accept their advice easily?" "No, it's different," she said. I was a bit confused as to why they're different, but now I think I know why. Then I explained to them that the reason I lean a lot on other people's thoughts is because I try to understand their thoughts first. The problem lies in how focused I am on them while not asserting myself (due to fear and inferiority mostly). My other friend chimed in and said: "So you try to plant their thoughts in you." And yes, that's the best way to put it.
In terms of my relation to the 'system', the best way to put it is I let it influence myself a lot while not asserting my own place. I hide instead due to fear and inferiority. That's when things turn bad. It's bad because it's potentially unhealthy. It makes me question my own sense of self, sometimes -- not that I don't have it, given how self-focused I actually am, but I find it a little disturbing that in the terms of practical matters I tend to be so externally focused while not asserting my internal structure. Being too dependent is always not good.
I get too dependent on my quest in finding out the 'truth'/most right thing. I usually automatically assume that people are right and I might be wrong. But now that I think, is 'wrong' and 'right', 'truth' and 'falsehood' dichotomies the most important thing that I have to set aside other things? They're important, but now that I think about it, they're probably not the whole thing, but I'm still so very focused on this quest.
I don't think Seishin sees the Shiki as actually humans, but that he sees them as 'innocent'. So it escapes him as to why they should be punished when they do nothing wrong in rising up as Shiki and needing others' blood to survive. For Seishin, they don't have to be killed. To do so is injustice, and that's not how the 'law' should be according to his ideals. But his 'law' doesn't align with 'collective law', the law that all people except him follow as citizens of the world. I think 'God' is the metaphor for the world/universe, and 'the law' is metaphor for its workings/structure including humanity (probably both words can be used interchangeably; so 'system' could mean both God and the law). Seishin believes in his own ideals (many kinds of them, not just about the Shiki), but when one's ideas seem to go against the existing structure you'll usually start to think whether you're the one at fault because you're the only one thinking this way. In thinking like this, Seishin becomes well aware about how 'different' he is, how at fault he is and isolated he is. Then a part of him will start to push away those differences due to shame, and try to embrace the existing structure probably because he should be able to truly embrace them just like everyone else, but he cannot. Another part of him knows very well what he wants, and that he should achieve them, and that no matter how much he tries he'll never be like everyone else. I think this part of him has accepted his true fate. That's what I think anyway. I think that's how a lot of people's psychology works were they in this particular situation.
Canonically too, for Seishin, there's the fear that he'll be shunned out by people, over being different I think. The system is usually unforgiving towards people who don't fit, and he fears being 'exiled', so he works hard to 'fit in'.
Like Sunako, I think what Seishin said to her inside of the burning church is sad indeed. Sad because not belonging to any order is sad. Human beings long for structure, and they'll seek for it -- whether it's religious structure or other structures. Structure could be something which links you to other people/world, or something beyond yourself. Something which gives yourself a bigger meaning, something to validate yourself by belonging to a validated structure. Being a part of an acknowledged structure/system means that you yourself are validated too, like adopting a collective moral view such as thinking that 'killing is bad'. This view is adopted by nearly all people in the world, therefore making it a valid one. If you adopt this view, you're recognized as good, but if you do the opposite/do things opposite of this view then you're bad. Everyone knows that. Sunako doesn't actually want to be recognized as a 'bad' person but she recognizes that what she's doing as bad, which is why she works hard in finding people who can validate her ways/methods to validate herself -- but in working to deny that perception would only mean that her mindset still wraps around 'good' and 'bad' as included within the 'law'.
That's what Seishin tells her to stop doing I think: "You don't need to worry about such thing. You're no longer a member of God's system (God's jurisdiction), therefore God's law doesn't apply to you anymore. What you're doing cannot be classified as good or bad because you're exempt from God's law." For people like Seishin and Sunako who long to be a part of structure, this doesn't actually relieve them. This is horrible for them. As much as Sunako doesn't want to be viewed as bad, at the very least she still wants to be included within the 'law'. Seishin at first sort of refuses the idea that he's exempt from the law, but him turning into a Jinrou likely cements the idea as an actual fact that he should accept his fate. Both of them have no choice but to accept it.
There are a lot of things I disagree with how the world works, but I want to truly participate in it. To be influenced but also to influence in return, to create an impact. I have a tendency to run away and wallow in bitterness, but it's also true that what I dislike won't change as long as I don't participate. I have ideas; I should work to implement those ideas into the world's workings. Thankfully, it's also true that I mostly agree with the system/structure I'm in.
If I were a junior monk in Sotoba, I'd likely be a milder version of Seishin. There's a bit of bitterness, there's a bit of feeling like the whole village sucks and so does its people and world in general, but I think I'll be mostly accepting. I'll feel like I'm only trolling my way through life, but it's still pretty good. I'll be more impatient than he is and more anxious, but I think I'll assist Toshio to the end in exterminating the Shiki even if at times conflicted. I'll probably be more decisive. I'll probably kick Toshio's ass over what he did to Kyouko but still comes back later to assist him, though it'll put a real damage in our relationship. Damn, if I were the junior monk of Sotoba I'll find Toshio attractive and so are a lot of other people. I'll also be more flirty.
Lol, I think despite being an anon I'm the person who shares her personal details the most here. Even Sinnesspiel knows my twitter where I post several of my pictures. For the record, I love contemplating about myself and talking about myself lol (I can be a bit of a narcissist). Oh no, I've never let people know my philosophical side so far so that's now what makes them think of me as weird, but they find the way I act is weird -- you know, like that kid who's so wrapped up in her little world so she doesn't really act like the majority of people. I'm also super awkward (like how Seishin's awkward) and take jokes in a literal sense, so people often make fun of that side of me.
That's good, and I also admire people who have a long fuse lol. Mine is admittedly pretty short, and I trick it by making myself indifferent to the whole thing. Being anxious of what people think of me also makes me look after my performance (even if I was never an overachieving kid), so sometimes it can be a good trait.
Haha, high on my list of what I want in a partner would be 'someone who isn't too much like me'. There'll be no development that way. Speaking about appearance, I'm often attracted to people who wear glasses. I wonder if it's because I wear glasses myself? But I think they indeed make people look better.
It's sad that Toshio (and Seishin) are really expected to get married and have children, when that's probably not what they want. :(