8D -- Well... the main reason my parents sent me to med school was because I myself was so indecisive about what I would choose. There was no doubt that they wanted me to actually become a doctor, but if I was so adamantly against it but could back it up with another similarly good choice, they would support me all the way. The problem was, I couldn't. All the choices I proposed to them were half-assed and they could totally see through me (there's a matter of them not being convinced that what I laid up before them were good choices, and it was made worse by the fact that I was so half-assed). Admittedly med school isn't so bad, even if I feel like I'm kinda just trolling my way through it. At the very least it's familiar and it's not math. I definitely like it better than high school where things were so much scattered and there were more things I disliked compared to uni. Uni instead has more fixed direction. Things are flat, but it's good enough.
I like psychology in general but I don't know if I'd like jobs related to it. I don't know any job I'd totally enjoy or if I should link enjoyment to my job (like what we talked about way back). Chances are, knowing myself, I'd troll my way through whatever job I end up with but not totally feel it, even if I don't hate it either. That's pretty much how I felt throughout school and a lot of other things. Doesn't mean I had no emotional attachment whatsoever with my school when I was studying there, but I've always been less sentimental about that kind of thing compared to lots of my friends.
...Logically speaking, like you said, people are really not completely one thing or another. At least, looking at myself, I have a rather individualistic drive but when actually left on my own I become too anxious. I can't not check in with other people, which makes it seem like I'm easily influenced. Then again, I'm often so unsure about whether what I'm thinking is correct or most right in the first place or not, which prompts me to check in with other people all the more. It has its good side and downside. What does it mean to be an individualist in the first place, now that I think about it? If it means stomping on other people's rights or happiness, then I want no part in it. If it means bringing other people to be below me, I want no part in it too. At least, I don't want to be a person to stoop so low as to do that. As a person, I believe that people have their own lives and that they can do whatever they want. But as is with everything else, I think things should have limits. What are limits to individualism? If I dare place limits to individualism, am I not an individualist anymore? But what if people harm other people in their attempt at pertaining individuality? Should I stay quiet? I won't do that if I were they, but they aren't going to think like I do. I think people shouldn't do that, but who am I to control them? The moment I step too far in setting boundaries for other people like that, I instantly feel bad. But what about the people who become the receiving end of what these people did? That's why Toshio is so pissed at Seishin, and rightfully so. I'm very impressed at him for bringing up legit issues, like, A+++ job, Toshio. Seishin too, like, when it comes to Toshio he becomes ethically controlling to an extent, but he's reluctant to do that when it comes to the Shiki. Could be because he sees Toshio as the wrong one at the time but the Shiki aren't wrong. Judging at the narrative, it's likely. Is it because Toshio is a human, so harming other humans is therefore wrong, but the Shiki aren't humans so judging them according to human standards are wrong?
What is the most correct decision? How do people define 'correctness' to begin with? How do I define 'correctness'? If I believe in limits, where should I take them from? How can I be sure that these limits are fair and good for everyone? Can the law reflect these limits respectfully? What if the law isn't good? Being unsure with my direction like this can put me into existential crisis, and it's especially worse when I feel like losing faith at a system/value I'm supposed to believe/currently believe.
I feel Seishin to an extent when he said he had certain ideas on how things were supposed to be, but when he was on his own thinking like that, could they be called an ideal at all? But should an ideal based on collective views be called an ideal in the first place? (when I think they aren't good or fair, it's bad, but I think here Seishin just sort of hates the idea that the number of believers indicate that something is good or bad.) I think one of main differences between me and Seishin is that unlike him I'm willing to rely on a system and worship it wholeheartedly, provide they're really, actually good and just. I have a feeling that he's not as good at accepting organized ideas as I do. Doesn't mean I'm better than him, it just means that we're wired differently and different things work for us.
I wonder how things would turn out to be if I were Seishin. I think things would be simpler, in a way. Toshio killing Kyouko would make me lose quite a lot of faith in him though, probably. That scene in the animanga where Seishin got so mad he walked away is so like me. Knowing myself, there's a pretty high possibility that I'll go back to him few days later, but still pissed off as hell it'd probably put a damper on our relationship. I'd probably still end up assisting him.
I guess when it comes to myself, I'll sometimes really want people to find out who I really am, but thinking about the possibility of them reacting unfavorably has me shut up. People around me think of me as weird and I kinda don't want to fuel it further. I still like searching for words or ideas that could rightly describe myself however, and for the time being I keep the results with me -- though I'm such a bad actor/liar I could end up just dumping them on the nearest person in the heat of a moment.
Don't let your upbringing stop you, because I know you're meant for more. Being even-tempered and polite are mostly good traits to find in a person, but if you want to pursue a 'hard' career you should do just exactly that. We have similar stereotypes here in the East, and while my parents are fortunately not very culturally inclined they still largely think about how to harmonize ourselves with our environment. There are good sides as well as downsides to this, as is with everything else.
My friend is very popular, which is something she still cannot wrap her mind around because as she said, she's very short tempered and is never afraid to let her opinions known (usually in anger-fueled harsh words). I think this is part of her charm, and our other friend said that guys usually have their own criteria that us girls don't usually understand. I'm still not unapologetic enough that I think the way I am I'm not very desirable, but now I'm still eh about the whole thing, perhaps fortunately. Some things of myself indeed need to be worked on, but there's a line between working on your flaws and deliberately be someone else when in the face of potential romantic partner.
I agree that Toshio to an extent could care about people's opinions on his performance, and that I think when he was still in med school and after that a junior doctor in the university hospital he'd pay an attention to how he appeared to people, but I think it's less so now that he's in Sotoba. Since he was a kid an image that stuck to him is that he's an imprudent, rude brat, and I think partly to his own amusement he still plays along with that. There's probably the fact that he's already known what kind of people he's supposed to serve and I think when people already know about how people they're supposed to perform before are like they can usually relax a bit. It isn't like Toshio knows how to deal with them, but he already knows how those people perceive him and that it's still okay if he behaves along a certain boundary (since an image stuck to him). It could be a bad thing though, because getting out of an image can be a hard thing to do and people don't get it anyway, don't understand how we are beyond our perceived image and we unknowingly just go along with it since people expect it from us. Less tiring that way too. I wonder if the same could apply to Toshio -- he certainly isn't just an "imprudent, rude brat". The same with Seishin. He isn't just "a man who once attempted suicide, also utter eccentric". Those are just a specific layer to many layers of their personality.
After that line, Shiki isn't over yet -- but Toshio's role is pretty much finished. The epilogue would be exclusively Tsuhara and some Seishin and Sunako, much like in the manga.
Re: 8D
I like psychology in general but I don't know if I'd like jobs related to it. I don't know any job I'd totally enjoy or if I should link enjoyment to my job (like what we talked about way back). Chances are, knowing myself, I'd troll my way through whatever job I end up with but not totally feel it, even if I don't hate it either. That's pretty much how I felt throughout school and a lot of other things. Doesn't mean I had no emotional attachment whatsoever with my school when I was studying there, but I've always been less sentimental about that kind of thing compared to lots of my friends.
...Logically speaking, like you said, people are really not completely one thing or another. At least, looking at myself, I have a rather individualistic drive but when actually left on my own I become too anxious. I can't not check in with other people, which makes it seem like I'm easily influenced. Then again, I'm often so unsure about whether what I'm thinking is correct or most right in the first place or not, which prompts me to check in with other people all the more. It has its good side and downside. What does it mean to be an individualist in the first place, now that I think about it? If it means stomping on other people's rights or happiness, then I want no part in it. If it means bringing other people to be below me, I want no part in it too. At least, I don't want to be a person to stoop so low as to do that. As a person, I believe that people have their own lives and that they can do whatever they want. But as is with everything else, I think things should have limits. What are limits to individualism? If I dare place limits to individualism, am I not an individualist anymore? But what if people harm other people in their attempt at pertaining individuality? Should I stay quiet? I won't do that if I were they, but they aren't going to think like I do. I think people shouldn't do that, but who am I to control them? The moment I step too far in setting boundaries for other people like that, I instantly feel bad. But what about the people who become the receiving end of what these people did? That's why Toshio is so pissed at Seishin, and rightfully so. I'm very impressed at him for bringing up legit issues, like, A+++ job, Toshio. Seishin too, like, when it comes to Toshio he becomes ethically controlling to an extent, but he's reluctant to do that when it comes to the Shiki. Could be because he sees Toshio as the wrong one at the time but the Shiki aren't wrong. Judging at the narrative, it's likely. Is it because Toshio is a human, so harming other humans is therefore wrong, but the Shiki aren't humans so judging them according to human standards are wrong?
What is the most correct decision? How do people define 'correctness' to begin with? How do I define 'correctness'? If I believe in limits, where should I take them from? How can I be sure that these limits are fair and good for everyone? Can the law reflect these limits respectfully? What if the law isn't good? Being unsure with my direction like this can put me into existential crisis, and it's especially worse when I feel like losing faith at a system/value I'm supposed to believe/currently believe.
I feel Seishin to an extent when he said he had certain ideas on how things were supposed to be, but when he was on his own thinking like that, could they be called an ideal at all? But should an ideal based on collective views be called an ideal in the first place? (when I think they aren't good or fair, it's bad, but I think here Seishin just sort of hates the idea that the number of believers indicate that something is good or bad.) I think one of main differences between me and Seishin is that unlike him I'm willing to rely on a system and worship it wholeheartedly, provide they're really, actually good and just. I have a feeling that he's not as good at accepting organized ideas as I do. Doesn't mean I'm better than him, it just means that we're wired differently and different things work for us.
I wonder how things would turn out to be if I were Seishin. I think things would be simpler, in a way. Toshio killing Kyouko would make me lose quite a lot of faith in him though, probably. That scene in the animanga where Seishin got so mad he walked away is so like me. Knowing myself, there's a pretty high possibility that I'll go back to him few days later, but still pissed off as hell it'd probably put a damper on our relationship. I'd probably still end up assisting him.
I guess when it comes to myself, I'll sometimes really want people to find out who I really am, but thinking about the possibility of them reacting unfavorably has me shut up. People around me think of me as weird and I kinda don't want to fuel it further. I still like searching for words or ideas that could rightly describe myself however, and for the time being I keep the results with me -- though I'm such a bad actor/liar I could end up just dumping them on the nearest person in the heat of a moment.
Don't let your upbringing stop you, because I know you're meant for more. Being even-tempered and polite are mostly good traits to find in a person, but if you want to pursue a 'hard' career you should do just exactly that. We have similar stereotypes here in the East, and while my parents are fortunately not very culturally inclined they still largely think about how to harmonize ourselves with our environment. There are good sides as well as downsides to this, as is with everything else.
My friend is very popular, which is something she still cannot wrap her mind around because as she said, she's very short tempered and is never afraid to let her opinions known (usually in anger-fueled harsh words). I think this is part of her charm, and our other friend said that guys usually have their own criteria that us girls don't usually understand. I'm still not unapologetic enough that I think the way I am I'm not very desirable, but now I'm still eh about the whole thing, perhaps fortunately. Some things of myself indeed need to be worked on, but there's a line between working on your flaws and deliberately be someone else when in the face of potential romantic partner.
I agree that Toshio to an extent could care about people's opinions on his performance, and that I think when he was still in med school and after that a junior doctor in the university hospital he'd pay an attention to how he appeared to people, but I think it's less so now that he's in Sotoba. Since he was a kid an image that stuck to him is that he's an imprudent, rude brat, and I think partly to his own amusement he still plays along with that. There's probably the fact that he's already known what kind of people he's supposed to serve and I think when people already know about how people they're supposed to perform before are like they can usually relax a bit. It isn't like Toshio knows how to deal with them, but he already knows how those people perceive him and that it's still okay if he behaves along a certain boundary (since an image stuck to him). It could be a bad thing though, because getting out of an image can be a hard thing to do and people don't get it anyway, don't understand how we are beyond our perceived image and we unknowingly just go along with it since people expect it from us. Less tiring that way too. I wonder if the same could apply to Toshio -- he certainly isn't just an "imprudent, rude brat". The same with Seishin. He isn't just "a man who once attempted suicide, also utter eccentric". Those are just a specific layer to many layers of their personality.
After that line, Shiki isn't over yet -- but Toshio's role is pretty much finished. The epilogue would be exclusively Tsuhara and some Seishin and Sunako, much like in the manga.